It's a baby!

It's a baby!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Ready to be one person again

Do I sound ungrateful? Sue me. Yeah I already love the crap out of this kid, but he needs to pack his bags and head toward the exit. Now. Yes, I mean right now. So I'm pretty sure I have the whole false labor thing down, I know when he's just faking to get attention and I can now ignore contractions with the best of them. What do I miss about being not pregnant, you may ask? I'd love to tell you:
 My feet! I can't reach them and getting a pedicure from a salon is way too stinky. The one time I went, I spent the whole time absolutely positive that I was making my kid dumber with every passing minute.

Self control - If there is anything anywhere that I want, I just go get it/eat it/make Dan get it for me. Why? Because this is like the last time for a very long time that anything gets to be solely about me and I want to enjoy these last shining moments. Why is this a bad thing? Ask the 2 new cavities I've just grown. At least I'm not ballooning up too badly. There just isn't enough room for him to exist and for me to stuff myself anymore.

Oddly enough, not booze. At this point, it's been so long, I don't really care anymore. Forward locomotion at any speed other than turtle - I've probably told most of you about the old lady with the walker that passed me on the sidewalk. She smirked at me! I swear she did! Walking is now something I see is only for suckers. I only do it for as long as I can stand it for the sake of getting labor started and the I go take a nap.

Lazy sex - the less said about this the better I suppose, but seriously, we have to get darned creative these days to even attempt it.

Having a private cervix - Everyone on the planet, strangers especially, keep asking me how much I'm dilated. What I want to do is come up with an equally invasively personal question to ask them, like, "What was the consistency of your last bowel movement?" Though, I've had strangers ask me that one too... Wowsers.

Sleeping on my back - It's been so long I don't rightfully remember it properly, I but I do believe that it didn't involve snoring or drooling quite as much as side lying does. Poor Dan, I finally have been able to pay him back for all that snoring.

All these gripes aside, I can still honestly say that I have enjoyed being pregnant. And I will enjoy not being pregnant again ASAP. Seriously dude, scoot. I'll make you cookies...

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