The gory details

So where was I? I guess I could talk a bit about the actual birth of the fuzzlet. I had been in early labor on and off for about 3 weeks. As in, something would start happening, then stop just when things were getting good. Then as time got closer to his birthday I was just kind of in constant mild labor for, oh, maybe 3 days. It wasn't too bad, mostly just frustrating. I got tons of acupuncture from various different practitioners to see if it made a difference. Boy did it. This one lady named Masako gave me the ole pokearoo on Thursday morning and by the evening I just knew we were in labor. Then I fell asleep. Balls. Around 3 the next morning I woke up with the innate knowledge that for reals this time, I was in labor. So I told my instincts to go blow and tried to go back to sleep. It didn't take long to realize that not only were my contractions not going away, but that they were about 3 minutes apart and 45 sec long. So we called our Doula, Michelle who came over lickety split and said, "Um, guys, you might want to give your Midwife a heads up this is gonna be soonish. I go,"Yeah right, you call, Imma hop in the tub and ride the next few contractions out." Because, honestly, I thought it was going to be forever before things got real. Unbeknownst to me, because Michelle was super mellow and I asked her not to quote me numbers so I wouldn't get caught up in where I thought I should be, I was already smack dab in the middle, about 5 to 7 cm and gaining. Then I really started working for the gold and Michelle was like, seriously, bro, now is the time. So we hot-footed it to the birthing center which was a special experience due to contractions being about a zillion times stronger out of the water. Dan, being the most awesome husband ever, put on Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog for me to focus on. During the most intense contractions, I had A Man's Gotta Do as my personal soundtrack. It was epic. So, we get to the center and I'm getting wheeled through the lobby filled with half the state getting to hear things like, "Hey, today's my birthday too!" and other such things as I have some pretty fantastic contractions right there in public. I get wheeled to my room and suck it up through getting monitored because that's what they do, the whole time being very politely insistent that as soon as possible I'd like to get in the tub now PLEASE. So into the tub I go then out again a few minutes later as the midwife is all, "We need to break your water so you can push, k?" At that point it dawned on me that my whole labor had been super short, only a few hours and while pretty intense, totally doable since the whole time I had been expecting something basically unbearable and unending. Now don't get me wrong, it was no picnic. There were several times that I knew I was absolutely never doing that again. But according to the whole team, I had an easy time of it. There was only about 25 minutes of pushing and by that time the contractions were my friend helping me get to the finish line. And let me tell you, quick and easy, or no, during the actual pushing out part, I knew someone somewhere had made a horrible mistake, because there was no way he was gonna fit through there. I thought I would humor everyone and play along like I believed we were going to be successful, but really, I thought everyone was smoking crack. Fortunately for me I was wrong, and out he came, all purple and wiggly in what felt like no time. And there he was, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. My son. I kissed Dan, thanked him for our little angel, then promptly forgot that anyone else in the world existed as I stared down at Xander in wonder that has yet to abate.

The Other Side

So I made it through the actual production of this child. I find myself most pleased by the results. The actual delivery was nothing like what I expected - an event so gory that they'd have to rate it past NC 17 if someone tried to produce it. Instead it was fairly mello and, from what I've been told, a really easy birth - though at the time it felt like the hardest thing anyone anywhere ever has done in the history of doing things. Interesting fact - I had a freaking water birth - how wild is that? It's not that I was all, "I will forgo all drugs for the sake of my child." but more like, "they put a needle where? Eff that, Imma just do this thing in the water where it sucks the least." So for all the people that keep telling me they are impressed, in all honesty, I have serious fortitude in the face of a needle to the spine, so it's not as impressive as it sounds. What am I saying, everything I did that day was massively impressive, so carry on. BTW breast feeding is really cool and also super challenging, so any of you with experience let me know so I can pick your brains! Though for the moment Xan and I are managing pretty well. Ok, the child needs noms, I'll continue this tale another time.

This is a joke, right?

I know I'm only three day over due, but they have been a long 3 days. I'm starting to think that pregnancy is some universal joke, or riddle that I wasn't clued in on and that all of the moms of the world aren't allowed to tell women who haven't given birth yet the key to unlocking the 'prize' of delivery. Induction is still about a week and a half off, but until 3 days ago, my midwife wasn't even mentioning it and now apparently it's a thing I need to keep under consideration. Yes, I knew all of this before June 5th, but it didn't apply to me because I was going to be a unique snowflake that, when the oven timer went off, released a freshly baked batch of healthy baby boy. Descriptive, no? Anyway, I am bored. Bored stiff. And I've stopped being quite so loving when I talk to the ole fuzzer now. Before I was all like, "Daddy and I can't wait to meet you, my beloved snuggle bear!"Whereas now it's much more like, "Time's up, everyone out of the pool! Get out, get outgetoutgetout!!!!"I am considering going on a cookie strike so that he knows that there won't be any more tasty snacks until he comes out and learns how to nom them himself. That'd work on me. Ok, rant completed. Gonna go bounce on my yoga ball some more...

Ready to be one person again

Do I sound ungrateful? Sue me. Yeah I already love the crap out of this kid, but he needs to pack his bags and head toward the exit. Now. Yes, I mean right now. So I'm pretty sure I have the whole false labor thing down, I know when he's just faking to get attention and I can now ignore contractions with the best of them. What do I miss about being not pregnant, you may ask? I'd love to tell you:
 My feet! I can't reach them and getting a pedicure from a salon is way too stinky. The one time I went, I spent the whole time absolutely positive that I was making my kid dumber with every passing minute.

Self control - If there is anything anywhere that I want, I just go get it/eat it/make Dan get it for me. Why? Because this is like the last time for a very long time that anything gets to be solely about me and I want to enjoy these last shining moments. Why is this a bad thing? Ask the 2 new cavities I've just grown. At least I'm not ballooning up too badly. There just isn't enough room for him to exist and for me to stuff myself anymore.

Oddly enough, not booze. At this point, it's been so long, I don't really care anymore. Forward locomotion at any speed other than turtle - I've probably told most of you about the old lady with the walker that passed me on the sidewalk. She smirked at me! I swear she did! Walking is now something I see is only for suckers. I only do it for as long as I can stand it for the sake of getting labor started and the I go take a nap.

Lazy sex - the less said about this the better I suppose, but seriously, we have to get darned creative these days to even attempt it.

Having a private cervix - Everyone on the planet, strangers especially, keep asking me how much I'm dilated. What I want to do is come up with an equally invasively personal question to ask them, like, "What was the consistency of your last bowel movement?" Though, I've had strangers ask me that one too... Wowsers.

Sleeping on my back - It's been so long I don't rightfully remember it properly, I but I do believe that it didn't involve snoring or drooling quite as much as side lying does. Poor Dan, I finally have been able to pay him back for all that snoring.

All these gripes aside, I can still honestly say that I have enjoyed being pregnant. And I will enjoy not being pregnant again ASAP. Seriously dude, scoot. I'll make you cookies...